Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Doubting Myself While Wearing Hijab

"I wish I could just walk around with my hair down and dyed like that girl" 
"I wish I could wear pretty earrings like her" 
"Wow, her hair open like that looks so pretty. I look like an old maid in this scarf" 
 Yesterday, I was out shopping with family, and I felt hideous in my hijab. My cousins had their hair open, dyed, layered, with pretty earrings. And I felt ugly. However, as I looked disgustedly at myself in the mirror, I thought, all this hair, jewelry etc is to look beautiful in this world, however I look beautiful to Allah (swt) for wearing this hijab. This thought gave me courage and happiness and I decided to write my hijab story to motivate others who might also deal with doubts while wearing hijab.
My hijab story is very different from my blogger friend Muslimah Nurse. http://improvingmymuslimself.blogspot.com/2011/04/struggling-with-hijab.html
Her mom was a hijabi and she followed her mom's footsteps. However, no one in my family in America wears hijab. (However, just because my mom doesn't wear hijab doesn't mean she is not pious or religious. In contrast, she is one of the most god fearing people I know Alhamdulillah.) As I grew up, my mom always taught me that you must have hijab in your eyes and heart first before you do hijab physically. This translates to lowering your gaze and practicing modesty in your language, thoughts, and behavior. 
I always admired women who wore hijab and thought, "I will wear hijab one day when I become a doctor." I always dreamed of being a hijabi in the future but never had the guts to put it on. This is probably because no one in my family wore it, so it would be a drastic change to make. However, in the summer of freshman year  college, Allah guided me toward wearing the hijab. I felt an urgency and thought why am I postponing wearing hijab when I can do it NOW? I suddenly had courage to stand up and take initiative. I can only say that Allah gave me the strength and guidance and that is why I am a hijabi Alhamdulilah. I went to my university freshman year without hijab (I never even wore my hair stylishly or down but always in a ponytail). 
Then, first day of sophomore year I decided to wear the "piece of cloth on my head". It was a triangle shaped cotton red scarf I wore to my madrassa. My dad glanced at my change of appearance through his rear view mirror but said nothing. My mom was insistent that I not wear the hijab and just go to college like a normal girl. However, 'rebelling' against my mother I wore the hijab and began my first day of sophomore year. Some friends were surprised and asked if I had become a hijabi. Others acted like they didn't even notice at all. All I can say is that this decision was brewing in my mind for a while and Allah gave me the power to take action. He gave me confidence so that I when I looked in the mirror I was proud of myself and thought I looked pretty. Alhamdulillah it's been 4 years as a hijabi and I'm thankful that I am a Muslim and have the privilege of wearing hijab.
Like I mentioned earlier, I do deal with difficulty sometimes when wearing hijab. I miss wearing my big pretty earrings outside. When I see a girl with her perfectly straightened hair, I wish my hair wasn't bunched up in a tight bun. Maybe you may also shar
e these thoughts, but remember these are all thoughts from the shaitan. We wear our hijab to look pretty for Allah.
To battle these negative thoughts I do somethings to make myself feel pretty:
Learn new ways to style hijab. Who said a hijabi can't be stylish?! Follow blogs about hijabi fashion and you will surely be inspired
You can wear your hair pretty with ladies and your mahrams so here is a link I follow for hair tutorials.
Put on some blush or lipstick to bring color to your complexion and make you look brighter and prettier in you hijab

I hope these tips help you out. I ask all my readers to share their tips to help them wear hijab confidently so that we can all benefit. Do you watch beauty or hair tutorials to make you feel pretty? Well, share them girl!! 

Remember that hijab is something we are doing for Allah which beautifies us to such an extent that no makeup, clothing can match our hijabi beauty. Alhamdulilah